I\u2019m happy for them. But…I\u2019m also a bit sad for myself. I can\u2019t help but feel a pang of envy when I hand rent checks over to my landlord or creep my pal\u2019s new digs on Instagram. To help tame the green-eyed monster, I got advice from my two favorite Shannon\u2019s: financial planner, best-selling author and founder of The New School of Finance, Shannon Lee Simmons, and Toronto-based registered social worker and psychotherapist, Shannon Stach.<\/p>\n
Envy is defined as \u201ca feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities or luck.\u201d In other words, someone has something you want and it makes you feel bad about yourself and your own life.<\/p>\n \u201cAs a therapist, we try to help people define what their thoughts and feelings are \u2014 to recognize when the emotions you\u2019re feeling are brought on by the thought patterns you have,\u201d says Stach. The reflex to \u201ccompare and despair\u201d is one that Stach sees come up again and again. When homeownership enters the picture, the feeling is compounded.<\/p>\n\n \u201cI think we base success in our personal lives now by having ownership of something. The idea that once I own something, I\u2019m successful. When we don\u2019t have something but our friends or the people around us do, a lot of those thoughts can go to, \u2018I\u2019m no good without those things.\u2019 Envy comes from this place of thinking some pretty uncomfortable thoughts about our own worth,\u201d says Stach.<\/p>\n Envy is a universal human emotion, and you will never<\/em> be able to completely slay the green-eyed monster. To help keep it at bay, it\u2019s important to acknowledge your feelings without judgment.<\/p>\n \u201cI think the comparison game is impossible to escape forever because it\u2019s human nature. By saying stop comparing yourself that\u2019s like saying stop breathing,\u201d says Simmons. \u201cYou have to accept that it\u2019s going to happen and be aware of how long you let that feeling of inadequacy linger, and how much you believe it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou can stop that negative thought process just by calling it out,\u201d says Simmons. \u201cI think recognizing it is half the battle and not feeling guilty for having those feelings.\u201d<\/p>\n One strategy Stach uses with her clients is called \u201cnotice and name.\u201d Whenever you feel envy, or are in a bad mood in general, try to get in touch with the thoughts beneath the feeling. Instead of sitting with it endlessly \u2014 call it out \u2014 so you can start doing something about it.<\/p>\n Despite the fact that I love my rental and my city and I\u2019m grateful to have a roof over my head, I can\u2019t help but feel like a perma-child when I fund someone else\u2019s mortgage, instead of my own. That\u2019s because homeownership has become synonymous with status, success and being a real adult.<\/p>\n Without it, I question the choices I\u2019ve made to get to this point \u2014 doubting my career path, romantic relationships, personal finance skills and overall maturity. As Stach puts it, we\u2019re taking homeownership and tying it to many overarching issues in our lives: \u201cWe bring so much meaning to this one event.\u201d<\/p>\n It\u2019s true, homeownership has historically been a marker of \u201csettling down.\u201d But in an era of astronomical home prices and climbing interest rates \u2014 especially in markets like Toronto and Vancouver \u2014 we really need to cut ourselves some slack and stop comparing our personal milestones to the generations that came before us.<\/p>\n I\u2019m pretty content in my life. But the minute I start future-tripping, I spiral: what if prices keep rising and I miss my chance? What if I have to move to the suburbs? Will I be single forever with nothing more than a lease and a cat?<\/p>\n \u201cAnxiety is based around this idea of not being able to control what\u2019s to come. A lot of anxiety thrives on the fear of the unknown and what\u2019s coming in the future,\u201d says Stach. \u201cAnd there\u2019s a lot of fear around what the market is going to do.\u201d<\/p>\n It\u2019s important to remember your situation is temporary. \u201cWhen we get so lost in the discomfort of things, it can get really heavy. We feel like this is always where we\u2019re going to be but it\u2019s not \u2014 it\u2019s very temporary.\u201d<\/p>\n Almost every homeowner was a renter once. Instead of comparing yourself to your friends who have purchased homes, think about how much you\u2019ve grown in the last year alone. We can\u2019t predict what\u2019s going to happen to us in the future but there\u2019s one thing we know for sure: nothing stays the same.<\/p>\n When envy creeps into friendships, things can get weird.<\/p>\n \u201cI think it\u2019s really important to be reflective in those moments,\u201d says Stach. \u201cIf you\u2019re feeling outwardly jealous of someone else\u2019s life, there\u2019s something going on inside.\u201d One strategy is to write a letter that you\u2019ll never send: \u201cVery often, writing it out with a non-judgemental pen and paper can help us process the feelings we\u2019re experiencing.\u201d<\/p>\n Unless you have a toxic relationship, most of the time your friends are just living their best lives, when they innocently say something that triggers you. If they\u2019re a good friend, try talking to them about it. You could say, \u201cI\u2019m really happy for you but I\u2019m feeling sensitive because I\u2019m still renting.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI think if they\u2019re a friend and they support you, that\u2019s a conversation that can be had,\u201d says Stach. \u201cIt\u2019s about acknowledging it and hopefully, that will lead to a really good conversation where your friend understands and can empathize, And it might help decrease some of the envious feelings you’re having.\u201d<\/p>\n As Simmons puts it, social media has put the comparison game on steroids. \u201cWe have so much access to people’s lives now and we don\u2019t know half the story,\u201d she says. \u201cYou have no idea if those people are swamped in debt, or got a massive handout from family that you will never get. You don\u2019t know how they\u2019re managing it, so don\u2019t compare your financial situation to theirs. It might look wonderful, but you don\u2019t know what\u2019s going on, on the other side.\u201d<\/p>\n When we feel unhappy in our lives, often there\u2019s a misalignment in our values. Maybe we\u2019re making choices based on our friend’s values or what our parents want for us, instead of doing what\u2019s truly important to us.<\/p>\n \u201cI work with people through a therapy called acceptance to commitment (or ACT, for short.) It\u2019s all value-guided decision making and behaviors,\u201d says Stach. \u201cWhen we get in touch with what our values actually are, we can define if we\u2019re living true to our values. If we\u2019re far off the mark, what behaviors can we do day-to-day to live closer to them?\u201d<\/p>\n You might find you\u2019re actually okay to be renting for now because it allows you to travel six months out of the year or you might discover homeownership is the be-all-end-all for you. When you narrow in on your values, envy naturally falls to the wayside. You need that energy to fuel your dreams, instead.<\/p>\n Instead of focusing on the things you don\u2019t have, turn your attention to what you do have. Notice what you love in your space, or make small positive changes to turn around the things that aren\u2019t working for you. For me, decluttering works like a charm.<\/p>\n \u201cDo you have a bed that you really love curling up in at night? Can you take a hot shower? There are so many things you can try to focus on to feel that gratitude towards your space,\u201d says Stach.<\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/www.livabl.com\/articles\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/04\/dealing-with-house-envy-in-toronto.jpg\")
<\/a>Photo: James Bombales<\/em><\/p>\nWhy do we get envious?<\/h2>\n
1. Don\u2019t judge yourself.<\/h2>\n
<\/a>Photo:\u00a0Timothy L Brock<\/a>\u00a0on\u00a0Unsplash<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n2. Notice and name it.<\/h2>\n
<\/a>Photo:\u00a0A. L.<\/a>\u00a0on\u00a0Unsplash<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n3. Be aware of the meaning you attach to homeownership.<\/h2>\n
<\/a>Photo: James Bombales<\/em><\/p>\n4. When the future freaks you out, remember this…<\/h2>\n
\r\n SEE ALSO:<\/span>First-time buyer FOMO: 3 tips to keep you going when home-buying stress hits hard<\/a><\/strong>\r\n <\/div>\n<\/a>Photo:\u00a0Alicia Steels<\/a>\u00a0on\u00a0Unsplash<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n5. What to do when a mortgage comes between you and your friend.<\/h2>\n
6. Remember things aren\u2019t always as they seem.<\/h2>\n
<\/a>Photo:\u00a0Element5 Digital<\/a>\u00a0on\u00a0Unsplash<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n7. Identify your core values.<\/h2>\n
8. Adopt an attitude of gratitude.<\/h2>\n