Let’s face it, selling a house is a Herculean task and inexperienced homeowners can sometimes feel like Atlas holding the weight of their house on their shoulders.
From last-minute presale upgrades and touch-ups to home staging, there are many opportunities for things to go hilariously awry — especially for homeowners who have decided to go it alone, without the input of any seasoned professionals.
We scoured the internet’s overflowing library of home listings and rounded up 10 of the best (or worst) listings we could find featuring homeowners in need of an intervention. Seriously, some of these homes deserved much better. Judge for yourself.
1. Oh Magoo, you’ve done it again!
We head over to Lancaster, OH for our first home listing — a “beautiful, well maintained” four-bedroom house circa 1930. The home has had a few upgrades, like a motorized garage door, but it still retains several “built-ins” with 1930’s charm (wasn’t that the era of the Great Depression?).
What makes this listing extra special is the accompanying photos — it looks like the homeowners hired Mr. Magoo to take them. The alleged charm of the home is lost behind a series of endlessly blurry and out of focus photographs.
There’s one great shot of a ceiling fan, however, it didn’t have any ’30s charm.
2. Moving sale — literally!
Next up, we have a listing out of East Dublin, GA. The 1,000-square-foot three-bedroom home is on the chopping block — for “moving or dismantling.” The supplied photo of the doomed home is both blurry and about seven years old (it looks like the homeowner tried to scrub out the date stamp on the photo). Although the homeowner is asking a mere $30,000 for the home to be taken off the premises, they are willing to “entertain offers.”
Put simply, the house itself is for sale but not the land it sits on. We would like to ask the homeowner why they thought someone would be interested in paying them $30K to remove the house, only to turn around and destroy it, with absolutely nothing to show for their money? File under “ask a professional before listing it.”
3. Is that you, Snooki?
We head up Columbus, NJ for our next listing. It features a “gorgeous” four-bedroom, 2,200-square-foot home loaded with upgrades. What’s even more impressive is that it boasts a basement that gets a ton of natural light. The homeowner has a snazzy sense of style and did a decent, if not almost admirable job of photographing all that gorgeousness and natural light. They were however done in by that great nemesis of all amateur shutterbugs — the bathroom mirror.
Reflective surfaces claim another victim, even as the homeowner hilariously ducks out into the hallway, leaving only their floating hands and smartphone visible. Quick tip — we can still see you. Next time, try an invisibility cloak.
4. You can run, but you can’t hide
Next, we jump on over to Mercerville, NJ, where reflective surfaces claim another otherwise acceptably amateur home listing. Located in Hamilton Township, the spacious three-bedroom Colonial-style home features a hot tub, water pond and a large fenced-in yard. And although the home is packed with mirrors and reflective surfaces, the homeowner did a commendable job of dodging them. That is, until they decided to go for a fancy Kubrick-esque long shot down a dark hallway (think the Stanley Hotel in the classic film of Stephen King’s The Shining).
So near, and yet so very far as the adage goes.
5. Every breath you take, I’ll be watching you
Our next listing out of Cranbury, NJ is most interesting, to say the least. The three-bedroom ranch-style home is “in the heart of Cranbury Village” and sits across from Brainard Lake. And that’s when the listing gets really interesting, really fast. You see, the homeowner supplied two photos of Brainard Lake, shot from different distances — one a bit farther away than the other — but the photos seem not to highlight the lake, but rather the woman sitting on a bench in front of the lake.
With all the different available angles and photo ops of the lake, it seems like an odd choice on the part of the homeowner to post back-to-back photos that make the viewer feel like they’re creeping on someone. A restraining order was not listed as an included amenity.
6. How much is that doggie in the window?
This next listing is for all the bargain hunters out there. It hails out of Toms River, NJ and features an “absolutely beautiful” 1,400-square-foot three-bedroom house. The enthusiastic homeowner boasts that the listing contains “all new photographs.” However, many of the photos are clearly and obviously date stamped — from March 2007. The photos are blurry, poorly angled and oddly cropped. However, there is one photo that piqued our interest — a lovely photo of a happy looking Golden Retriever in the driveway.
The homeowner implores not to let this one pass you by and make an offer (although they are asking a mere $95,000). So we have to ask, how much is that doggie in the driveway?
7. Monsters, Inc.?
Our next listing is for a spacious five-bedroom Colonial-style house in East Brunswick, NJ. The home has a lot going for, judging by the listing itself and the supplied photographs — a large eat-in kitchen, cathedral ceiling in the living room and a furnished walkout basement. The home even boasts solar power. The homeowner graciously supplied a plethora of photos, which shows off their affinity for house plants and overhead lighting. And we couldn’t help but notice the grinning monster in one of the home’s closets.
Okay, maybe we’ve been reading a little too much Stephen King (is there such a thing?) but does that not look the thing that used to live under the bed?
8. Can’t see the home for the trees and weeds
We head over to Haddonfield, NJ (not to be confused with its fictitious counterpart in the Halloween movies) for our next listing. It features a 2,900-square-foot “beautiful classic craftsman-style home” with a brick and stucco exterior and a ceramic-tiled roof. There’s only one teensy weensy problem — easily overlooked, really — you can’t actually see the home in the solo photograph in the listing.
The home is almost completely covered by greenery. In fact, about all that is clearly discernible is a sliver of the alleged ceramic-tiled roof. The home ends up looking more like a rest stop along the Garden State Parkway than a residence. Ah, welcome to New Jersey.
9. Don’t fear the reaper
This next listing features a million dollar estate in Toms River, NJ. The estate is “fully loaded, but needs $100K worth of work.” That’s a small price to pay when the “estate across the street recently sold for $2.5 million, right across the street!” Indeed. The current state of the estate is unknown, since the library of supplied photos are literally days shy of being 12 years old. One photo in particular caught our eye — the two-car garage and basketball hoop at the end of the drive.
Is it just us or does that look like the Grim Reaper darting across the garage? Or maybe the Travelocity gnome? The Jersey Devil perhaps? Just us? Okay, then. Time to stop reading Stephen King before bed.
10. Ever feel like you’re being watched?
You’ll never feel alone in our final listing. This one is strictly for those taxidermy aficionados looking to take their love of the hobby to a whole new, albeit creepy, level. The 3,000-square-foot log home sits in the Village of Van Etten, NY on acres of woods and ponds — and we’re guessing a wealth of wildlife based on the amount of stuffed and mounted heads found in the home’s great room. We spotted over two-dozen different wall-mounted animal heads staring back at us with their beady black eyes.
There is such a thing as overkill and we’d rather take our chances with the monster in the closet house or that “The Fall of the House of Usher” estate in need of repair.
We can’t imagine eating a plate of venison and potatoes in the great room is very satisfying with all those deer heads staring out you, but to each their own.