In the age of Online Dating Being A Thing, we’re surprised that people don’t take more cues in their profiles from real estate listings. After all, the search for a good home is just as driven by emotional connection and pretty pictures as it is by logic and finances.
“Wait,” you might protest. “I’m a real human being, not an inanimate object for sale!” Well, sure. But if you were an object for sale, wouldn’t you want to be well-crafted luxury real estate, rather than a suspicious-smelling futon auctioned on Craigslist for $5?
So brush off that moldy Match.com profile and get your HowAboutWe game face on, because these splashy new developments are about to school you in getting off the market:
Lesson #1: Confidence always wins
How many online profiles begin with the verbal equivalent of an “aw, shucks” shamble? Sentences like “I’m a nice person” and “I don’t know how to talk about myself” have no place in a 300-word advert for your romancing capabilities. Imagine if every real estate listing demonstrated that timorous line of thinking: “This home has a roof and some space.” “This apartment is OK, I guess.” “This duplex is better than being homeless and eaten alive by subway rats.”
Why we’re in love: The tagline for this fabulously boxy 8-story loft condominium is “boldly inspired living,” which fits its distinctive black-metal-and-glass silhouette atop Bowery. The Adjmi & Andreoli-designed building describes itself as “just 20 sleek, perfectly tailored, sun-soaked 1- and 2-bedroom homes… with muscular, oversize casement windows” and glossy imported finishes. Sleek, tailored, sun-soaked and muscular — look, our temperatures just rose 10 degrees, and it’s not the office heating.
Lesson #2: Pick a persona and stick to it
Persona and personality are two different things; the former is a distillation of the latter. We know that you contain multitudes, but keep your profile simple and memorable. How would you want your best, wittiest friend to describe you when introducing you at a dinner party? The easiest way to achieve that snappy effect is to smush together one of your fundamental traits with one secondary, unexpected trait. If this feels artificial, let us gently remind you that while writing a compelling description might take an hour or two, loneliness is forever.
Why we’re in love: Everything at this 62-unit Upper West Side project by Bazbaz Development speaks “refined yet comfortable,” from the classic red brick façade with bronze accents to the oversized bay windows and the master baths with double white oak vanities and towel warmers. With its well-appointed, family-sized apartments a block from Central Park (not to mention that full-floor penthouse wrapped by private terraces), 101 West 87 is luxurious without being stuffy and relaxed without being sloppy. At 101 West 87, you can let your hair down, or put it up — and isn’t that the kind of space we’re all looking for?
Lesson #3: A little quirk goes a long way
So, you’re a hard-working professional who loves music, travel and good food. That’s everybody in the unabridged history of ever. Be specific about your passions and why they engage you so much. Anyone can copy/paste that Kerouac quote about mad-fabulous yellow roman candles, but only you know why it affects you the way it does.
Why we’re in love: You know Huys 404 Park Avenue South. It’s that Dutch building with the cool trompe l’oeil construction wrapping. This 58-unit project spearheaded by Kroonenberg Group and designed by Piet Boon has projecting bay windows, Juliet balconies with floor-to-ceiling glass, ceiling heights of 11’5″, custom millwork and original beams in the thoughtfully crafted apartments, which range from open lofts to three-bedroom units. But you probably know it as “that Dutch building.” During construction, this project flaunted signs with cheeky slogans such as “Hello Big Appel” and “We Are Your New Buren.” Also, the sales center has Dutch-made, Huys-branded custom bicycles. Somewhere, Zooey Deschanel and Lena Dunham are simultaneously choking in twee jealousy.